So I was on my honeymoon last week and my wife asked me, one night while we were lying in bed, if I was happy.This conversation turned into a discussion about the weight of feelings and that I don’t feel emotions as strongly as she does.
It was an interesting conversation, and I hope I can do it justice in this little text post.
I want to start off by saying that for the most part, I don’t feel strong emotions one way or another and that even minor emotions tend to flit through me much the same way that cheap beer goes though my digestive tract. As I’m typing this, I’m not happy, I’m not sad, and I’m not angry. I’m not any of these three base emotions nor am I a derivative of them. I’m in my natural state, in neutral ground.
I definitely feel happy sometimes, and I feel sad sometimes and I feel angry sometimes. These times are amplified when I’m around certain individuals or certain situations so to some, it might even sound untrue that I don’t emote like people do on television or in the movies or in books. For a long time I felt dysphoric about the fact that I didn’t feel emotions how I was supposed to feel them. It was especially confusing when I was a teenager and I was pumped full of hormones without the big emotional connections that the people were having around me. I suppose this is what lead to me being diagnosed with depression and may have had something to do with various other diagnoses.
But these days I’ve come to accept the way I am, that it’s not a problem if I don’t emote in the same way that other people do, in fact that sometimes I’ve got a rather large advantage in having such dulled emotions. It helps me preform my job better than most could, after all, it’s remarkably easy to put your own emotional baggage aside when it weighs hardly anything, which leaves me plenty of operating room to help my clients deal with their emotional baggage.
The area in my life that it hurts however, is my social life. I’ve got a few friends that really understand and accept the way I work and are fine being the ones that bring the emotion into the conversation, and know that sometimes I feed off of that emotion to emote along side them.
I’m probably just rambling, but I wanted to share, the best I could… I’m not as good at writing this stuff out as I am talking about it, person to person… I’m also open to answering questions about my odd emotional state or hearing about your own. ^_^